Question

Is there such a thing as bi-polar "light"?

Writing for one's self

"Viola"'s " i'm like a dragonfly" blog has a wonderful quote from Cyril Connolloy

"Better to write for yourself and have no public
than to write for the public and have no self".

Given that Viola and Andris are my only followers, I am likely happily writing for myself. And I felt I needed to admit somethings somewhere...

Today is a funny day. Yesterday at church someone asked me if I was OK; I said I just don't deal with heat well. Is that it? Today is hotter and I am even less "here". As I am writ ting for myself, I'll admit that I have done very little today but get up, feed cats, walk Barney just to the landing (he didn't want to go further) then sleeping again until noon. I worked a bit on the computer, watched Dr Phil and Oprah ... and only watched those shows because what I really wanted to do was go back to bed.... That is not good. In a few days I should be going back to work.

Oprah asked Simon Cowel (sp?) about his moodiness - and he admitted to black moods. She asked why is he depressed, since he seems to have it all - and he said he can't explain it, just knows it is so. He also said that if he is not feeling up, he thinks that it is worse to paint a fake smile on his face rather if he is sad, be depressed - eventually it'll pass.

Well - that is where I am now. And yet I feel incredibly guilty. There is sooooooooooooooooo much to do around the inside and outside of the house. Usually when Andris is away, this is the time I do this sort of stuff. And yet - after watching 2hrs of TV, I am back at the computer, not doing house stuff. And not moving... I could go back to sleep again.....

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And if this were to be my last day (no worry - I'm not suicidal - I just mean some unforeseen accident) what would I have to say for my life?

Being with a group of people last night celebrating someone's birthday, as well as going to a funeral home earlier in the day for someone who died from cancer, but apparently was at great peace, gave me the opportunity to hear about people who others see as great role models, inspirations. Andris was also mentioned as being someone to emulate for his joy and sense of gratitude - and I agree. But can I express that or do it?

No.

Twins???

Does anyone see a sign of long lost twins, or is it just me,...

Still Alive

Just checking in.
End of June
much stuff at work
Sr Nancy's farewell
Prince and the Prior
Sunday Stretch
Andris' birthday present!

July
prepare animal stuff to be gone
2 weeks of SIPL
reading, writing and... HEAT / HUMIDITY
graduation
recooperation
taste of the valley
garden stuff begun
house cleaning begun
some church stuff
contemplative mass picnic
mammograms and ultra sounds
don't deal well with humidity
lots of hip,knee,shin,plantar fasciatis pain
dig out septic tank holes
Andris' birthday present!!

so far in August
continue with house
begin office cleanup
almost finish recovering septic tank holes
so far ignore garden
kapu svetki
go into work office
begin to see work piling up
getting ready to write essay
Andris' birthday present has to get finished and ordered!!!

Where am I?

A friend just asked if I had fallen off the world since she hadn't seen me in months. I have fallen off - but it is just life and life issues taking their toll on time.

And yet I have heard so much in the past few days about the suprizing, harrowing and emotionally draining turns the lives of some people have taken, that although I may be off the grid - I am soooooooo blessed for what I have and that I have Andris with whom I can share it all. Blessings beyond due.

Stewardship = not just $

Stewardship –

a Spiritual Way of Life:

Conversion to

a Life of Gratitude

Often in this day and age one hears about a crisis of faith. However, at the ICSC Institute held in Arnprior May 17-19 at the Galilee Centre, one of the speakers, Fr Joe MacKinnon from Halifax, noted that perhaps the church is really suffering from a crisis in trust – a lack of trust in God. As we try and find ways to control all aspects of our lives, we automatically negate the thought that despite our best efforts, we are not, in fact, in control. This could lead to despondency, and yet a sense of trust in our future and God comes precisely from knowing that we are not on are own, and that God is making it all happen. If all in our life is gift from God, it is precious and needs to be cared for and nurtured. Accepting the responsibility to do so is Stewardship. If all is gift, it is something not “of” us, and we do not “own” it. We accept an invitation to receive the gifts of time, talents and treasures in our life and give back in thanksgiving for those very gifts: we receive gratefully, tend responsibly, and then share in justice and love. Stewardship and being a steward of and for God is something that many have not even consciously considered, but according to the testimony given during the Institute, the benefits to individuals and parishes are immeasurable.

Gratitude is the starting point for stewardship - gratitude, in realization that all in our life is gift from God and that we need to give back for all our blessings. As this does not come naturally, a shift in attitude, a conversion, is required before we can travel on our journey toward God in this manner. The focus is not on our, or the church’s, need to receive, but on our need to give. Rather than responding to a request, stewardship is proactive. Everything important in our lives is pre-planned, and if stewardship is to be part of our lives, it then takes a proactive, conscious/intentional decision on the part of the individual, and/or the parish to become a true steward, a stewardship parish. Figure out precisely what you are going to give, then “do” it. Rather than giving of the leftovers of our time, talents and treasures, it is necessary to take an active decision and plan how you will share from the first fruits.

Accountability and transparency were mentioned by all speakers as key when discussing stewardship at a parish level. In his talk on “Parish Leadership in Stewardship”, apart from stressing that a stewardship committee needs to be set up separate from the finance committee when talking about introducing the possibility of stewardship at a parish, Steve Foran, also from Halifax, noted that all personal skills and qualities need to be considered in setting up the first committee, and that it needs a disposition of what “I” (the individual) can do. “Lord, how do you want to work through me to fulfill your will for my parish?” Furthermore, if we are to be responsible stewards, we cannot take on the job without all being clear on all the goals. And what are we working towards, for ourselves and others? Being the best we can be before God and our fellow man – being Christ’s body here on earth, and by our example inviting others to do the same. Albert Schweitzer said that example is not the “best” way, it is the “only” way. The phrase repeated at the Institute by Steve was that, by example and message we were here, first and foremost, to “save souls”. Steve also noted that while it was important to envision where stewardship could lead the parish, it was necessary to do so pragmatically, but more importantly, then act upon that vision. “Vision without action is just a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. But vision with action can change the world”.

Jim Kelley from Charlotte, North Carolina, who was a last minute substitute at Galilee for the director of the ICSC called away for medical reasons, spoke on his topic “Introducing Stewardship into a Parish”, from personal experience and as such emphasized the core of his next topic - “the Importance of Lay Testimony”. Jim began with his own and then family’s decision to focus on putting God first in their lives and then trusting in God to do the rest. Jim also made it very clear that the 17 points included in his description of how stewardship could be introduced into a parish, were not exclusive, nor to be considered as a one-step, one year programme, but rather a progressive introduction - a process for at least a generation. He added that each person has unique talents, but that part of our calling is not only to discern talents for ourselves, but to help others in the parish discern, develop and use their gift; sometimes an individual is incapable of seeing the talents that they themselves possess, but can clearly articulate the talents that they see in others.

Jim, like each speaker before and afterwards, was quick to note that often when hearing the word stewardship in a church context, a person is likely to think only of money, and that although one cannot deny that finances are always important in a church, time and talents often begin a person’s foray into stewardship as a personal practice. He noted that one doesn’t begin by giving of one’s treasure “after” paying the bills, and emphasized that that was similar to time, wherein you must schedule your priorities. Thus, you may need to change the way you look at how you plan your daily life, when you decide to give "x" amount of hours in service. If one were to begin by “scheduling” dedicated time for prayer every day (same time and same amount of time, beginning small and adding time only gradually) one could still feel amazing spiritual blessings, before going on to sharing one's time in service to others, let alone giving financially. Jim also underlined the notion that when one spoke of stewardship, it was not something that just involved the church. As a way of life it also embraces the family and community – the sharing of time and talents is not restricted to liturgies and Sundays – and leads to finding balance in one’s life.

To develop the concept of stewardship within a parish and only then introduce stewardship as a way of life for parishioners, both Steve and Jim discussed points that establish a welcoming setting for stewardship in general, and the multitude of ways and means that have been used by others over time to do so. The need for repetition, like in all forms of education, was seen as elemental. This includes the use of notices and comments in bulletins and homilies, perhaps the development of newsletters, the use of new social media networks, not to mention web pages and video clips, as well as prayers of the faithful to both highlight ways in which stewardship, even if called something else, is already active in the parish, as well as to show appreciation for those already sharing in their time, talents and treasure. By using a cross section of the parish in lay testimony, (an example given being someone speaking for just 3 to 4 minutes at the start of mass, but before the gathering hymn) (ie not before the time mass officially start) everyone, from the most senior parishioners to children and youth, can relate to some aspect of someone’s sharing in honesty and gratitude. Events in school to Sunday liturgies can be discussed using terminology of stewardship, thereby allowing children to be introduced to the concept while seeing it as a natural part of their lives from a young age.

Julie Kenny from “Sunday Visitor” spoke at length on “Recruiting, Training and Recognizing Gifts of Time and Talent” followed by “the Stewardship of Treasure”. Discussing challenges, roadblocks, differences, problems of identification as well as expressing certain cautions, Julie covered an area we often deal with in the parish and at many levels – “how” to get “whoever” to do “whatever”. The emphasis was on discernment, both on the part of invitee and inviter, the manner of invitation, the work setting provided, clarity in job description and requirements in skills and time, as well as follow-up in both training but also in appreciation of efforts. It was also mentioned that in the parish’s efforts to help identify talents within parishioners, it was the duty of the parish to remind all that service was not only to be considered within the parish, but also within the wider community. By this means all would be served – the community by service given to it, and the parish by the active involvement of parishioners in acts of service, and the individual in knowing that they were taking action on their gratitude for what they had been given. In terms of sharing in treasure, Julie talked about motives for sharing or not, generational factors, the consistency messages, challenges facing parishioners in terms of points of reference, different envelope strategies, but most importantly the need “NOT” to use the term “stewardship” when the only goal is to increase the offertory, or in the response to a crisis. That would be an incorrect use of the term, and denigrate any possible future chance to introduce stewardship to the parish as a way of life.

Mary Kelly of the Archdiocese of Toronto spoke simply but movingly about “Hospitality, Evangelization and Outreach”, followed the next day by ”Characteristics of a Stewardship Parish” – two topics that were in reality clearly interwoven, focusing on the three catch phrases used to describe stewardship: “time, talent and treasure”; “gratitude, generosity and trust”; “prayer, hospitality and service”. Mary began and ended with the comment that God is love and stewardship is love of God, others and also importantly, oneself. As such, stewardship challenges us to serve and receive hospitality graciously, reaching out observing what is needed, not what we think others need, seeing who is marginalized in the wider community, accepting the ideas of others, recognizing our own accessibility or “welcomingness” – and to see the parish as a community of people called to the mission of Jesus. We need to put a lot of time and effort in “feeding” the people so that they can “feast” not only at the Eucharist, but also at the table of the word. Good communication and the use of modern technologies is not a hallmark of all Catholic parishes, but it is something that needs to be looked at if stewardship is to be not only adopted by a parish, but to be effective in the community. Quoting Fr Ron Rolheiser, Mary said that the practice of justice is not optional by the church; rather it is just as non-negotiable as keeping the commandments and going to church. A serving parish may not start with financial stability, but warmth, hospitality and education all factor into this. God has provided every gift, and it is up to us to best use the gifts to live lives of proclamation, celebration and charity – to accept the roles of stewards in stewardship parishes.

"O Divine Spirit,

I wish to be before you like a light feather,

so that your breath may carry me where it wills,

and that I may not offer the least resistance to it."

Fr Francis Libermann

WHY BLOG?

Why Blog? Why write in a diary? It may be to have others to read your work in the case of a blog, but diaries, at least for the most part, are not meant to be read by others.

Perhaps I should have been writing a diary.

On the other hand, there is something about the possibility of someone reading your words, that imposes a greater desire - nay, need - [ASIDE: NAY???] to make what you write, if not clever, coherent, and truth be told, interesting. At least it should be more than what I subtitle my blog: gratuitous, random thoughts.

My writing, begun to act as an alternative view to Andris' blogs (ok... I admit it ... I was jealous of his figuring out this form of release)... has been quite cathartic. As those who know me well, know that being concise or direct is NOT my strong suit, whereas rambling and deductive reasoning comes more naturally. And if I write about catharsis, I have never needed an outlet for emotions, a verbal cathartic outlet, more than I have this past academic year. However, although one may or may not "expect" there to be readers, one cannot go about expressing all personal opinions, given the ether world's power, but more importantly, memory lasting over time.

And so - I have not been writing. But how I wish I could.

To have a friend, be one.

This rather trite but true phrase is one thing I learned from Mrs Sampson, my Grade 3teacher. I expect that I also learned things to help me in terms of scholastic/educational growth, but the two other things I remember "learning" in Mrs Sampson's class also had little to do with formal education:
1. Mrs Sampson's maiden name was also Sampson, so in effect, she was Mary Sampson Sampson;
2. Blue and green should not be seen except together in a washing machine.
This last pithy thought has long since been overturned in fashion - but it has a good rhythm to it (mind you, a la limericks)

But it is the first line that I have been thinking about over the past few days, and probably over the past few years with increasing frequency. There are times I feel very alone , and this blog at times seems to be my answer to that.

I have an assortment of acquaintances - GOOD and DEAR acquaintances - but very few friends - ie really close friends of the heart. There is a touch of envy in me (or is it more? Much more?) when I see others out with friends, or read about friends connections on facebook, and people discussing going out on trips with close friends, or involvement in joint activities of varied sorts.

I also know that I can cocoon and isolate myself, whine incessantly about my health, moods, and "problems"... or at least jabber ad nauseum to the unwitting friendly ear. This is not to mention that I am quite adept at looking at myself as a central character to everything. I mean - it has been so difficult for me NOT to begin each sentence with "I". I put on a good face for things at church or in a wider societal context,but often that is a role I play. When I come home I take that face off and turn inward again. And any of the above is not a good foundation for "being a friend" to someone else.

And yet I enjoy being away from people apart from Andris, and I am not sure at how much effort I want to put in to "looking" for a friend.... I may be envious I don't have one, but I also don't think that they can be created. In my mind they happen mysteriously, appearing like buds at spring, that then can be nurtured. There is a hint of something special that can be nourished or smothered, intentionally or not. And of course there has to be the element of mutuality.

Andris has a few close friends - and he will call / or they will call out of the blue. I would say that I used to have 2 "bosom friends" in Toronto - but our life journeys have taken widely divergent paths and if they were my only bosom friends,
I was probably one of several for them. Their loss in my life is far more reaching than my disappearance from theirs.

Yes I can "listen", though some may find that hard to believe, stop talking about what is wrong for me, my health concerns, etc - and yet do I give of myself to those who could potentially be close friends? I think that I have extended some tendrils towards others, but like the seeds in the bible parable, few end up in fertile soil.

Question:
Do I "miss" something I don't work for, or really "want"?
or
Is it acsually a question of semantics - and the friendship I miss is the acquaintanceship others enjoy to the max?

Early spring kayaking

My second kayaking was to be today.



Toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cold.

Just about one month

For those who read my words, but not his (- and that to me seems very unfortunate because he is such the better writer -) with just under 1 month since the quintuple bypass, I can only be amazed at the recovery that Andris has made.

"We" are up to 2 x 22 minute walks each day (and he has been fortunate to be able to sneak in an extra walk here and there given the beautiful weather), and "we" do our morning exercises as well as our stretches, and have made quite a number of excursions so as not to become stir-crazy.

As I think about this past month, like most in Ontario, it is also difficult not to be amazed at the late spring-like weather with which we have been blessed. One day when Andris was away with friends, I did take my kayak out into the cold but melting ice-encircled area of the Madawaska River near our home. My thought was that I didn't want him to know that I had gone out when he couldn't. In other years he would be the one to be itching to get onto the Madawaska, suggest that I join him - and if I did, I'd grumble and mutter all the way down to the river, but be ever so grateful upon coming back home that I did. I only went out for about 20 minutes, and then it took me 15 minutes to land the kayak (without capsizing) because of the ice at the shore line. This weekend I expect to get out again and for a greater distance (so much more ice has melted and the navigable ice-bound area has increased geometrically - I just have to remember that my body is not yet accustomed to longer paddles....) and perhaps Andris will take a picture to post ....

(Please keep checking up on http://madawaska1.blogspot.com One of his most recent posts is on dependency. Wow....)

When you cannot say what you want to say

I haven't written in a while, but that is not for want of ideas, or lack of words. Those I have in multitudes screeming to get out onto paper (or computer screen, as the case may be).

However, it is with the thought of restraint, preference to be circumspect, and knowledge that in this cyberkinetic, ether world we now inhabit, once in print, what I put down could come back to haunt me.

Would that some people younger than I rember that as well, before putting everything into words, that cannot be retracted or erased.

Change

Andris knows that I do not handle change very well. That also includes changes to routine. At the moment I don’t have much of a routine and what does exist, keeps changing.

It seems remarkable that Andris' surgery was 16 days ago, and that this is his 12th evening home. The first week I was doing most of my “work work” at home. When that wasn’t possible, one day Andy came with me, once I dropped him off with someone else and once a friend dropped in when I went out (we had been instructed that Andy was to be with someone 24 / 7 the first week). Apart from beginning the day with a cup of coffee – something we have done for quite a while, we did have a routine of doing his exercises in the morning and a morning walk after a rest, and the after noon walk after the rest after lunch. This week (the second week home) I returned to working part time at home, part time at work – and the home routine was not as strict. Again, apart from coffee, some mornings we do exercises first, some mornings we walk with Barney. I go to the office for a number of hours in mid day, to return home to go for a walk with Andris … and Barney. As Andris recuperates, he will not need me there as often (the exercise drill sergeant won’t be needed, nor will the walk timer). We might get into another routine.... or not ....

And then there is the routine, or lack there of, at work. I do not handle this change very well. This also includes changes to a sense of security, stability, or an emotional even-keel of support. At the moment I don’t have the feeling of security, stability and the even-keel that does exist, keeps being buffeted by the rollercoaster everyone is riding.

The changes at home are for the good of Andris and for that I am grateful, thankful and feel blessed. As far as the changes at work go …… I handle instability even worse than change.

Home, Sweet Home

Well - today was Andris first full day home. Things to learn, new routines to follow, exercises to do, habits to pick up.....
Yesterday I said that I expected that today Andris would have slowed down a bit. NOT! I can't believe that only tomorrow will it be a week since his surgery. Although he says that he fatigues quickly, it is me who is falling asleep as I try and add something to the blog.


I lack Andris blogging literary prowess and skill - but I more than double his level of tiredness at one day home. Goodnight - Glad he is home, but I, if not he, am off to bed.

He's baaaaaaaaack!

It is Sunday evening and Andris is back at home. He had a very busy day - the excitement of getting ready to go home, a walk to the lobby, a walk from the car to the pharmacy and back, twice, a visit in the bookstore, a walk to the house, a walk to the car and into Castlegarth and to the car and back .... a multitude of phone calls.

In all the literature about cardiac patient care it says that there will be good days and bad days - and that the body will tell you if you have done too much. I am hoping that with all the excitement of today, Andris' body will be exhausted tomorrow. Why? Well - he was running about as if much more than 5 days (maybe even a few weeks) had passed since his life saving quintuple bypass surgery. If today didn't tire him out, then I don't know how we will get through the next 2-3 months; first Andris will get bored and impatient with seemingly doing nothing, and then I will go crazy trying to keep him "down"....

But for today, tonight, Andris is home and all is well with the world!

Napping

One of the things I read for caregivers of people recooperating from heart surgery is rest when they rest. Mind you - this was meant more for when they get home.

Currently, Andris is having a nap while I am writing - actually he would like to nap, but being in a room with someone else of course means that if they have visitors... so do you. Earlier Andris had visitors, and his roomie was "napping".

Personally I am tired but wired at the same time - and although on one hand I feel like I could fall asleepat a moment's notice, the other part of me feels like I am on a caffeine buzz.

Gee! One might think that I had something on my mind....

0ur son, the doctor - I mean: cardiac "surgeon"

Not a good shot (of either of us) - but that is Andris' cardiac surgeon. and doesn't he look young enough to be our son? After all - he is also an accomplished operatic tenor ... brains from Andris, music from me.... Okay. So you find that hard to believe.

If you want more info on Andris, check my guest blogs on his blog From the Heart at
madawaska1.blogspot.com

Things that (happily) make you go "hmmmmm"!

For those reading this, but not my husband's blog (I don't think that that is any one) I would like to note that it seemed odd to me that every time I mentioned Andris as a self-admitted Olympic curmudgeon, he seemed to want to deny that - or at least say that he was watching some things. But he was SELF-admited. Now Andris himself is admitedly "de-curmudgeoning". Hmmmmmmmmm!

Naivite - or - he and she

It is difficult watching the Olympics in the house of a self described Olympic curmudgeon if one is a naive or obtuse sports "couch spectator". IF YOU READ HIS BLOG on the Opening Night Ceremonies(Madawaska1.blogspot.com) although he ends with what he considered a positive tone and open mind, you'll see he began with quite the rant on the corporate, non amateur, business run unfriendly development of the Olympics. He did watch the opening ceremonies but has no real interest in watching anything else, because he has no knowledge of or connection to the athletes or the sports involved.

In general there are many nights she is at her computer with the TV on, while he is in his chair - listening to his ipod and reading and reading and reading .... Separate rooms - separate activities. But as said in earlier blogs, she can use TV as white noise and work on something else. Once the Olympics began, this situation has only increased. Please note: she isn't watching the screen the whole time. In fact, she has so far "missed" many key moments as they actually happen, while looking at her computer screen. But she enjoys knowing what is happening "out there" and considers the Olympics something that should not be missed as important for Canada. Not necessarily for winning medals (although that would be nice) but the fact that Canada is the host. How often does that happen, eh?

Currently she feels bad that in these days / weeks before his surgery, she doesn't spend more free time with him. Instead of sitting and reading side by side, she is in a second room watching TV on the side. She doesn't think she agrees with all of his comments or criticisms of the Olympics, or just some. Perhaps she would prefer to be her usual ostrich self and ignore the negative - or at least be naively obtuse. At any rate,she is not able to counter his arguments when he skillfully expresses his (negative) opinions. She feels that she doesn't have the vocabulary or the smarts. For her it is intuitive. Not everything has to be thought through; it can be felt without having the explanation. Something like religion for her....

And so perhaps ostrich-like or obtuse, she did just turn her full attention to the TV screen for a few minutes to watch the Canadian flag rise, the Canadian national anthem be sung by the throngs in attendance of the awarding of medals for moguls, in particular the gold to Alexsandre Bilodeau. Could she explain it to him in words. No - but for her it was meaningful.

Patience - tried

February 7th
Drove to Ottawa with Andris on Sunday night so we could stay with friends.

February 8th
5am Monday morning wake up to alarm (and we slept so well. NOT!)
5:30am Leave friends' home
5:45 we reach hospital
(Timing frustration:
pre admission unit (PAU) opens at 6am and they want you in at that hour
parking lot opens at 7am,
Tim Horton's opens at 7am )
At 6:15 Andris goes in to be prepped
About 6:20 I get to do the paperwork - sign away our life's savings if insurance doesn't cover something
By 6:45 Andris is shaved, showered and medicated with "happy pills" to ease tension
7:10 the gurneys arrive for the 3 patients scheduled for morning surgery.
7:15 Andris is wheeled and taken to the basement (where the OR is located) and I get to go down the elevator with him and say by-for-now
7:20 I have Tim's coffee and breakfast sandwich
By 8:00 I am at the home of friends, and given the OUHI efficiency, say that Andris' bypass should now be starting
8:10 I go for shower - to wake-up from restless night and early morning
8:12 I decide to bring cell phone to bathroom - just-in-case the hospital calls, though think that is actually silly
8:30 I am showered and dressed and just about to dry hair when cell phone rings
8:35 I tell friends that Andris' surgery has been cancelled - that is:postponed due to missing anesthetist (away due to illness of child)
By 9:00 I am back at hospital to pick Andris up (first time I go to the PAU room I forget to bring his clothes... must have been the breakdown moment)
By 9:30 we are back in my car heading for Arnprior, without a new date for surgery
Several times on the way home Andris checks our phone at home for message from the UOHI
Before getting to Arnprior Andris retrieves the message from the UOHI about the new date for surgery

February 23rd
the date for Andris' rescheduled bypass surgery

February 9th
I wish someone had given me some of the happy pills that Andris got .....

Patience

"God, grant me patience ... and I want it now!"
That was a line that I often used to describe myself. Patience is NOT one of my strong points.

And yet with Andris latest adventure, and the bends in the road it gave us, patience is the one thing that we have needed, Andris naturally more than myself.

In a world wide context - the fact that Andris situtation was diagnosed and set for treatment (surgery) this quickly is remarkable. And when there is complete trust in the surgical team and the place for surgery, it is actually easier to draw on patience reservoirs.

Today Andris got the call that the surgery is a go for this Monday!

Humility, or lack thereof

About a week ago, I was writing a blog that I had started with the title "pride". The topic was to be the question of the ability of politicians, diplomats and people in general to let go of pride and actually work together for the betterment of their country. It was sparked by an article from the New York Times that Andris had mentioned in his blog, Abraham Lincoln's getting his most bitter rivals in his government (so as to use their skills for the country), as well as my experience during diplomat courses 14 years ago with 52 diplomats from 27 eastern European and former Soviet block countries. During "Team building" exercises in courses in Strasbourg, we had one session where we were split into teams and told to get the best deal we could (some foreign affairs issue). Story shortened, everyone tried to come out on top - but the exercise was to make us see that win-win was better than win-lose. Unfortunately, in post exercise conversation, we the diplomats felt that although that sounded good in theory, no country we knew of (especially the big ones) would really work that way. How many countries, political parties, or individuals for that matter, can you really see saying "we don't really come out on top, but the other guy gets just as much as we do." For the bigger country, the party in power or the alpha individual, unless the situation is atleast 51% / 49%, unfortunately we felt that they would not go for it; we are all fairly egotistical and would see not the 50/50 as a win.

This was to be my blog - the fact that our pride has increased to block our abilities to work toward a common good.

I wrote the blog text as a word document so that I could play with it, edit it, and try to make it as well written as I see Andris' blog. After I read the text to Andris, I left the doc to return to it another day -so that with even better perspective I could improve the blog. The problem is - I lost the text. Over the last week,every few days I searched for the file in every way I knew how, because I thought what I had writen was fairly good. Ultimately I had to accept that the doc was gone and I could write another one - nothing I had written was worth more searching.

So - who had the pride, or lack of humility.....?

The Magnificent Seven - or is that 14? - and is it magnificent?

If the last note was an "aside", this is a "btw".

Envy
Kindness

Sloth (amalgamation of: discouragement and sorrow/despair)
Diligence

Pride (once vainglory?)
Humility

Wrath
Patience

Greed
Charity

Gluttony
Temperance

Lust
Chastity

(ASIDE)

There have been several days that I have wanted to write, but all of a sudden since it is online, and I may not be the only reader (likely one of two) there seems to be the extra pressure of writing something brilliant. Well - let us settle for something more than mundane. A far cry from the preteen's daily diary that you were afraid someone would read....

Sloth

I should probably check dictionaries before starting writing - but I also know that I can also edit what I've written - and so - whether "sloth" is the correct word or not, I am not really sure.

Today was a day off work, obstensively to do work on my St Paul's book report due in December 2009. And I did do that, but my heart certainly wasn't into it. In one book Andris looked up, in a chapter on the caregivers of heart surgery patients, it suggests that once back home, the caregiver takes rests everytime the patient does, just to save on energy. That makes sense, but taking a nap now when Andris feels tired is probably taking too much leeway. And isn't that the first step to slothfulness?

What I ultimately did is either a sign that I have come to my senses, have finally grown up and away from fear of not being perfect academically, or another indication of sloth: I wrote to the department secretary to ask what would be the consequences of NOT finishing my book report or writing the 3 hr exam. Yes I lose the $ I paid and I get an F (or worse) for not completing the course - but can I take the course again if I so desire to get my credit for a pastoral liturgy certificate (the course being a requisite)? I can't believe how much I want NOT to do the work right now....

Instead of working on the report I then looked up distance education from St F ofX, weekend courses in Montreal on RCIA and other educational posibilities related to my ministry work. I have the interest, but is it a lack of stick-to-it-iveness? I would like to say that it is that I have other things on my mind. Or is that just the easy excuse?

Maybe it is indolence?

PS Andris warned my that writing here could become addictive.

Jealousy

The green eyed monster - isn't that the other name? What if I have green eyes? Ok - green-grey...

Andris and I went to see a play yesterday in Burnstown - for all people in the valley, a wonderful village (?) to drive to, stop in, and drive from... for artists, artisans, great food and phenomenal coffee and teas. "Neat" is in what used to be in the old one-room school house (that for several years in the more recent past was an antique store Fiorella's) and is now owned by Adam and Kim McKinty and is THE place for coffee and teas and specialized foods, local produce etc. However they also have concerts (Andris saw the Proclaimers in the summer in this tiny but great venue) and one woman on staff has, among other "hats" started a production company for short plays. The first was "Jocasta" and this time "Dear Mrs Martin"....

Ever since my foray onto "the boards" and leaving them , deciding to go for some kind of steady (even if minimal) income over what my heart would have wanted to follow (where I no longer had the income to pay for the bills) although the stage is part of me, I often leave the theatre feeling strangely disconcerted.

We all know the many variations on the joke " how many "x" does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Well, for actors the answer is "One; everyone else says that they could have done it better!" Unfortunately, that is where the jealousy comes in. I doubt that I could have done it better, but rather than simply enjoying the evening, I feel myself taking a critical eye and thinking that "something should have been tightened" or wonder "why was the direction done to highlight that", or ....

Jealousy - but not ambition. I could never have started a production company as did this woman .... And would I now have the guts to get back on the boards? I doubt it. It is much easier to be jealous when you don't have to do something to prove yourself.

Modernity?

It seems that the rest of the world is either blogging and creating work from blogging (Julie and Julia?), or reading blogs and discovering new paths for life, or sitting back. My husband has a blog, which I think is incredibly creative. In fact I should put a link to it here ... except that I don't yet know how to do that .... Maybe this is it? http://madawaska1.blogspot.com/
Not quite....


Perhaps it was John's dispatch from Haiti, writing about what he sees could be a good blog, that made me take the leap. Maybe it was a friend of Susan's, whose family started a blog to report on the health of the friend who fell unconscious and is now hopefully trying to find her way back to consciousness and her family.

One could question if my blogging will ever be read, or is this my virtual diary of which I will tire. What would aliens see in this world, if their only sources of information were blogs? One could also question whether or not something like blogging is "modern" when someone the likes of me joins the multitudes. I mean - facebook and I connecting certainly means it is not a cutting edge form of connectivity.

And yet - here I am.