To have a friend, be one.

This rather trite but true phrase is one thing I learned from Mrs Sampson, my Grade 3teacher. I expect that I also learned things to help me in terms of scholastic/educational growth, but the two other things I remember "learning" in Mrs Sampson's class also had little to do with formal education:
1. Mrs Sampson's maiden name was also Sampson, so in effect, she was Mary Sampson Sampson;
2. Blue and green should not be seen except together in a washing machine.
This last pithy thought has long since been overturned in fashion - but it has a good rhythm to it (mind you, a la limericks)

But it is the first line that I have been thinking about over the past few days, and probably over the past few years with increasing frequency. There are times I feel very alone , and this blog at times seems to be my answer to that.

I have an assortment of acquaintances - GOOD and DEAR acquaintances - but very few friends - ie really close friends of the heart. There is a touch of envy in me (or is it more? Much more?) when I see others out with friends, or read about friends connections on facebook, and people discussing going out on trips with close friends, or involvement in joint activities of varied sorts.

I also know that I can cocoon and isolate myself, whine incessantly about my health, moods, and "problems"... or at least jabber ad nauseum to the unwitting friendly ear. This is not to mention that I am quite adept at looking at myself as a central character to everything. I mean - it has been so difficult for me NOT to begin each sentence with "I". I put on a good face for things at church or in a wider societal context,but often that is a role I play. When I come home I take that face off and turn inward again. And any of the above is not a good foundation for "being a friend" to someone else.

And yet I enjoy being away from people apart from Andris, and I am not sure at how much effort I want to put in to "looking" for a friend.... I may be envious I don't have one, but I also don't think that they can be created. In my mind they happen mysteriously, appearing like buds at spring, that then can be nurtured. There is a hint of something special that can be nourished or smothered, intentionally or not. And of course there has to be the element of mutuality.

Andris has a few close friends - and he will call / or they will call out of the blue. I would say that I used to have 2 "bosom friends" in Toronto - but our life journeys have taken widely divergent paths and if they were my only bosom friends,
I was probably one of several for them. Their loss in my life is far more reaching than my disappearance from theirs.

Yes I can "listen", though some may find that hard to believe, stop talking about what is wrong for me, my health concerns, etc - and yet do I give of myself to those who could potentially be close friends? I think that I have extended some tendrils towards others, but like the seeds in the bible parable, few end up in fertile soil.

Question:
Do I "miss" something I don't work for, or really "want"?
or
Is it acsually a question of semantics - and the friendship I miss is the acquaintanceship others enjoy to the max?