Why Blog? Why write in a diary? It may be to have others to read your work in the case of a blog, but diaries, at least for the most part, are not meant to be read by others.
Perhaps I should have been writing a diary.
On the other hand, there is something about the possibility of someone reading your words, that imposes a greater desire - nay, need - [ASIDE: NAY???] to make what you write, if not clever, coherent, and truth be told, interesting. At least it should be more than what I subtitle my blog: gratuitous, random thoughts.
My writing, begun to act as an alternative view to Andris' blogs (ok... I admit it ... I was jealous of his figuring out this form of release)... has been quite cathartic. As those who know me well, know that being concise or direct is NOT my strong suit, whereas rambling and deductive reasoning comes more naturally. And if I write about catharsis, I have never needed an outlet for emotions, a verbal cathartic outlet, more than I have this past academic year. However, although one may or may not "expect" there to be readers, one cannot go about expressing all personal opinions, given the ether world's power, but more importantly, memory lasting over time.
And so - I have not been writing. But how I wish I could.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
To have a friend, be one.
This rather trite but true phrase is one thing I learned from Mrs Sampson, my Grade 3teacher. I expect that I also learned things to help me in terms of scholastic/educational growth, but the two other things I remember "learning" in Mrs Sampson's class also had little to do with formal education:
1. Mrs Sampson's maiden name was also Sampson, so in effect, she was Mary Sampson Sampson;
2. Blue and green should not be seen except together in a washing machine.
This last pithy thought has long since been overturned in fashion - but it has a good rhythm to it (mind you, a la limericks)
But it is the first line that I have been thinking about over the past few days, and probably over the past few years with increasing frequency. There are times I feel very alone , and this blog at times seems to be my answer to that.
I have an assortment of acquaintances - GOOD and DEAR acquaintances - but very few friends - ie really close friends of the heart. There is a touch of envy in me (or is it more? Much more?) when I see others out with friends, or read about friends connections on facebook, and people discussing going out on trips with close friends, or involvement in joint activities of varied sorts.
I also know that I can cocoon and isolate myself, whine incessantly about my health, moods, and "problems"... or at least jabber ad nauseum to the unwitting friendly ear. This is not to mention that I am quite adept at looking at myself as a central character to everything. I mean - it has been so difficult for me NOT to begin each sentence with "I". I put on a good face for things at church or in a wider societal context,but often that is a role I play. When I come home I take that face off and turn inward again. And any of the above is not a good foundation for "being a friend" to someone else.
And yet I enjoy being away from people apart from Andris, and I am not sure at how much effort I want to put in to "looking" for a friend.... I may be envious I don't have one, but I also don't think that they can be created. In my mind they happen mysteriously, appearing like buds at spring, that then can be nurtured. There is a hint of something special that can be nourished or smothered, intentionally or not. And of course there has to be the element of mutuality.
Andris has a few close friends - and he will call / or they will call out of the blue. I would say that I used to have 2 "bosom friends" in Toronto - but our life journeys have taken widely divergent paths and if they were my only bosom friends,
I was probably one of several for them. Their loss in my life is far more reaching than my disappearance from theirs.
Yes I can "listen", though some may find that hard to believe, stop talking about what is wrong for me, my health concerns, etc - and yet do I give of myself to those who could potentially be close friends? I think that I have extended some tendrils towards others, but like the seeds in the bible parable, few end up in fertile soil.
Question:
Do I "miss" something I don't work for, or really "want"?
or
Is it acsually a question of semantics - and the friendship I miss is the acquaintanceship others enjoy to the max?
1. Mrs Sampson's maiden name was also Sampson, so in effect, she was Mary Sampson Sampson;
2. Blue and green should not be seen except together in a washing machine.
This last pithy thought has long since been overturned in fashion - but it has a good rhythm to it (mind you, a la limericks)
But it is the first line that I have been thinking about over the past few days, and probably over the past few years with increasing frequency. There are times I feel very alone , and this blog at times seems to be my answer to that.
I have an assortment of acquaintances - GOOD and DEAR acquaintances - but very few friends - ie really close friends of the heart. There is a touch of envy in me (or is it more? Much more?) when I see others out with friends, or read about friends connections on facebook, and people discussing going out on trips with close friends, or involvement in joint activities of varied sorts.
I also know that I can cocoon and isolate myself, whine incessantly about my health, moods, and "problems"... or at least jabber ad nauseum to the unwitting friendly ear. This is not to mention that I am quite adept at looking at myself as a central character to everything. I mean - it has been so difficult for me NOT to begin each sentence with "I". I put on a good face for things at church or in a wider societal context,but often that is a role I play. When I come home I take that face off and turn inward again. And any of the above is not a good foundation for "being a friend" to someone else.
And yet I enjoy being away from people apart from Andris, and I am not sure at how much effort I want to put in to "looking" for a friend.... I may be envious I don't have one, but I also don't think that they can be created. In my mind they happen mysteriously, appearing like buds at spring, that then can be nurtured. There is a hint of something special that can be nourished or smothered, intentionally or not. And of course there has to be the element of mutuality.
Andris has a few close friends - and he will call / or they will call out of the blue. I would say that I used to have 2 "bosom friends" in Toronto - but our life journeys have taken widely divergent paths and if they were my only bosom friends,
I was probably one of several for them. Their loss in my life is far more reaching than my disappearance from theirs.
Yes I can "listen", though some may find that hard to believe, stop talking about what is wrong for me, my health concerns, etc - and yet do I give of myself to those who could potentially be close friends? I think that I have extended some tendrils towards others, but like the seeds in the bible parable, few end up in fertile soil.
Question:
Do I "miss" something I don't work for, or really "want"?
or
Is it acsually a question of semantics - and the friendship I miss is the acquaintanceship others enjoy to the max?
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